To compensate for an otherwise poor diet, I’ve started breakfasting on Dorset Cereals. I’ve come to realise very quickly that it doesn’t get realer. Or more honest. These guys border on being the genii of the puritan breakfast world.
So with the benchmark well and truly established, let’s begin the process of Authenticating our Muesli.
No. 1 – Is it made in a factory run by beavers in the middle of nowhere?
No. 2 – Is most of the breakfast organisation’s annual turnaround used to pay for animal funeral services?
No. 3 – Is the packaging solid? By this I mean is it made from industrial strength cardboard, bomb proof vacuum plastic, and yet still generated from natural material? A simple test. If your nan’s arthritic hands can open it you’re in trouble.
No. 4 – Does it contain any of the following ingredients: wood shavings? Bear droppings? Hoof of rabbit? Eel’s bladder? or whatever. Natural, essentially.
No. 5 – Does it contain dust? It must contain ‘No Dust’. With the exception of badger dandruff.
Just in case you’re not entirely sure; ask yourself what you picture when you eat it.
Ultimately, unless a lumberjack’s pulled your muesli from the backside of a Canadian elk, it’s not the genuine article, and therefore not worth the hemp it’s printed on.
Make this check list your Breakfast Bible and authenticate your muesli before it’s too late.
Peace and Patchouli